I've been doing a lot of thinking since I wrote that post a few days ago. And, Jackie's comment really became my outline for brainstorming this post:
"First of all, congratulations on your weight loss. That is quite an accomplishment and you look terrific. I do wonder something from your post. Does being over 100 pounds lighter frighten you? Was your identity before associated with your weight and being fat and now you've lost THAT identity and the layers of protection it provided? I have 75 pounds to lose. I lost 40 of it last summer and then gained it all back. After reading your post, I wonder if I gained it back because, I became unrecognizable to MYSELF and the layers of fat that have been my identify for so long. You have really made me think with this post. I found you on A New Dawn's blog and I'm so glad I have. I wish you continued success and peace. You will find yourself - but it might take a lot of courage to do so.
Blessings to you.
Blessings to you.
So here goes nothin'.
Being over 100 lbs light does not frighten me. I find it very exciting. In many ways, it's been kind of magical. Some mornings I wake up and look in the mirror and it's like my dream came true- I woke up skinny! I am absolutely tickled pink when I hold up pants in the store and my brain says "there's no way you're going to fit into that" and then I try them on and zip them up and- low and behold, they fit! Even with this identity issue, there is not ONE. SINGLE. THING. that I don't enjoy about being a healthier, fitter, thinner, me on a good day. (Except for these...but now I realize they have more to do with the external identity crisis than the internal.)
I didn't think that my identiy was wrapped up in my weight. While I was on my morning walk with 9-month-old asleep in the stroller, I had time to think on it. What I realized was that my identity was (and probably still is since just knowing a thing doesn't change it) wrapped up in how the world percieves me. I want people to think I am so many things, but none of them are based on my size. Therefore, I spent (spend) a lot of time feeling like I need to overcompansate for the external. I did everything I could to try and convince people that my size didn't matter, but in doing so, I think reinforced the notion within myself that I was overweight and therefore became wrapped up in my size and what I could do to "hide" it or make it less noticable. Does that make sense? ...I don't know...I just thought about it today...I may need to merinate on it a bit longer for clarity.
Anyway, I spent a lot of time working on deveolping characteristics that people found valuable within me. Had a not been fat, I'm not sure that I would have chosen the same qualities to grow in. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have. If I had never been fat, I would be a different person. I probably would feel the need to "buy" myself friendship by doing rediculous favors. I often feel like I give more than I get. I don't always feel like this is a bad thing. I am a nuturer at heart, but it can be tiring to constantly feel like saying "no" will ruin a friendship.
But now I feel like I have a new opportunity, of sorts. I kind of get a "do over." I call for a mulligan! I now get to decide who I really want to be. What qualities I really would like to explore and expound upon in my life.
Will I always have to explain my weight story to the world and the people in my past and future? ...I hope not. Just as much as I didn't want my being to be wrapped up in my large-size, I do not want my being to be wrapped up in my smaller size either. I just want to be seen as a woman. Not a big or small, fat or thin woman. Just a strong, formidable, nuturing woman.
...I wish that we could all see eachothers souls instead...
I know what's in my soul. Now I have the opportunity to show it on the outside without fear of rejection.
What do you think changing your size will effect internally? How will that make you a different person? Are you looking forward to it or is it daunting? Whatever the answer is, I hope you won't let it hold you back from your goals of becoming a more healthy human being. Love yourself!