Sunday, 6 March 2011

Identity Crisis

Yesterday I ran into an aquintance at the store.  We had worked several school events together a couple years ago.  When I said hello to her, she got this puzzled look on her face for a moment.  I could tell she was thinking "Who the hell is this?"  I reintroduced myself and the light bulb went on for her.  She said, "You're barely recognizable!"  We talked for a few minutes in the checkout aisle and went on our merry way, but this comment has been replaying in my head like a broken record ever since.

I know I've talked before about people not recognizing me.  My husband told me try and see it as a positive thing.  His thinking is that now I can be whoever I want to be, and I can stop talking to some of the people in my life (that I don't see often) who are particularly judgemental.  I've thought about this, but I still feel pretty torn up over it.  I don't like to think I'm "barely recognizable."  It makes me feel lost in the world.  After all, I didn't dislike who I was before.  I just decided to change my life around.  I decided to make different decisions that happened to effect my appearance.  My shell...

I've always made a great effort to foster the relationships I've had with people.  I think fat people have to work harder at it, unfortuneately.  We often have to convince people to like us, despite our outward appearance.  But now, I'm not really a part of that.  It's strange to say it, but I'm not fat any more.  I am still overweight, but I think that now people don't immediately spot me as "the fat girl."  So, I don't fit in that club anymore.  I don't see myself as thin or particularly fit, either.  I am still "plus sized" on the bottom.  I am still activly working toward losing weight.  ...So I don't fit into that club.

I am in limbo.  I am unrecognizable.  Who am I? 

6 comments:

  1. I can relate to this - I haven't experienced it but I can see that people mean well when they say these things but don't always think of your feelings. Who are you? you are the woman inside and while I can see the challenges when people don't recognise her, you are still you - the C. that your family love and your friends value and you are the person they always thought of you. Maybe your aquaintence knew the image, the shell better than she knew the real you so was thrown a bit when it was different
    Dawn

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  2. I think that understanding who you are at this weight is key to keeping it off. I've lost and regained four times and key to that was not quite feeling comfortable in my own skin at this the smaller size. I liken it to culture shock. I am working through it, and encourage you to. I ran away from it in the past and it lead to gaining the weight back. It's great that you recognize how you are feeling.

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  3. I've nominated you for an award - hope you don't mind. Reference to it is on my blog - its because I really enjoy your blog - Thanks
    Dawn

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  4. Wow Cole
    I love the post
    I love it because I raises so many thoughts about what happens when we make changes in our lives
    not just weight changes either...all sort of changes, that can challenge our identities...good or bad
    I would love to link this post on one of my posts sometime, if that would be alright with you...
    I came over here from Darla's PJ Party...
    come by my blog for a visit and let me know if I can do a link....
    And by the way
    AWESOME work you have been doing....you can be really really proud of what you are doing here Cole...and know this
    Whether we are loosing weight, giving up an addiction or just coming out of our shell, we are all on a journey of self discovery
    that is the process of living...eveything we experience brings out another side to ourselves...it is a process that takes our whole life, so embrace it for what it is and don't feel discouraged if you are not sure who you quite are yet.....
    you are an amazing woman on a journey of self discovery, without extra baggage to keep her down!!! that is AWESOME!

    love and light

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  5. You look awesome Cole! I am so glad I met you and look forward to talking more. I always enjoy the comments on how I look because its a reminder of how hard I worked and it makes me feel good.

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  6. First of all, congratulations on your weight loss. That is quite an accomplishment and you look terrific. I do wonder something from your post. Does being over 100 pounds lighter frighten you? Was your identity before associated with your weight and being fat and now you've lost THAT identity and the layers of protection it provided? I have 75 pounds to lose. I lost 40 of it last summer and then gained it all back. After reading your post, I wonder if I gained it back because, I became unrecognizable to MYSELF and the layers of fat that have been my identify for so long. You have really made me think with this post. I found you on A New Dawn's blog and I'm so glad I have. I wish you continued success and peace. You will find yourself - but it might take a lot of courage to do so.
    Blessings to you.
    Jackie

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