Thursday, 26 May 2011

Taking Deep Breaths

It's been a challenging week for me.  I have been over eating.  Now, before you all rush down to comment about "you can do it!", and "get back on track", that's really not the support I need.  Right now, I'm just trying to take everything in stride.

I think that this week has been a combination of TOM, it being REALLY hot, and my upcoming week-long holiday that has me eating more than my share.  I am well aware of it.

Yesterday was great, I was called by the owner of my gym (the other one, not the new work gym) offering me a second job.  Apparently, a lot of her staff are taking time off for the summer and she needed someone else to help cover some shifts.  She says I was the first person she thought to call.  I'm not sure how the hours will work out because she will have to schedule me around my nanny job, but she was desperate and asked if I would come in and start training and work out the logistics later.  I thought that would be the end of my over-eating for the week since I was feeling really proud to be offered a job that was centered around fitness.  319 lbs. See C. would NEVER have set foot in a gym, let alone be cold-called to work in one!

Today started out great- it just didn't last.  It was my last nanny day before vacation, and party day for the kids (early 1st birthday and pre-k graduation.)  Then my husband texts me that he quit his job.  He's worked there for 5 years and hated it for 4.  I have VERY mixed emotions about it.  I'm glad he isn't working there anymore because it really made him angry a lot and he tended to carry that anger around with him into the world and at home.  But, I wish that he would have done the mature thing and gone and found a new job before quitting this one.  Now, of course I'm worried about money.  We had/have a lot of things planned in the coming months that will require significant amounts of money- i.e. a move in August and a trip to our home town in September.  We have a savings, but it will only get us so far unless he can find something quickly to help supplement it.

We were going to take a small two day trip this weekend out of town, but I've gone ahead and cancelled our reservations. :-(  I won't lie...I'm feeling pretty disappointed about it.  I was looking forward to this week off for me to have some "me" time in the gym and around the pool, and get some things done that I'd wanted to do around the house.  Now it will be spent trying to help hubby find a new job, reworking the budget, and feeling guilty for every dollar I spend.  I'm doing my best not to feel angry or bitter over it.  Maybe this is how it was supposed to be.  Plus, I know that as soon as I start letting my energy feed into the negative, the universe will reward me with more negative.  ...But it's difficult right now.  We've been "poor" before, I'm not afraid of cutting back our spending.  But, we've never had so many financial responsibilities before and therefore I am worried about making sure we don't get behind in our bills.  Lucky enough, we only have a very small amount of credit debt, and I very much hope to keep it that way.

Also, today our apartment community advised us that someone would be coming by to do routine maintainence at our house and that we needed to confine the animals.  We did that, but apparently Bean wasn't thrilled about it and ended up tearing up some of the carpet where it looks like she was trying to dig under the door.  So, that will be money out of our pocket to have the carpet that she damaged replaced. :-(

So today, as you can see I'm sure, I'm feeling a lot of stress.  I have that heavy feeling in my chest and I keep having to remind myself to breathe deep.  I know that the universe is listening to me, and so I'm trying my best to keep my thoughts and actions positive.  ...I ate two large gourmet cupcakes today...but to tell you the truth, I don't really feel that badly over it.  On the radar of things to worry about right now- cupcakes ain't one of them.  Though, as I write this now, I realize that the MOST important thing is to take care of myself, my body, and I haven't been doing that this week.  Perhaps this is my karma for it? 

I'm sure I'm going to need some internal dialog with myself in the coming days.  Please be patient with me.  I'll update you as things change.  Thanks for being here for me...


  1. ((hugs)) to you C
    life brings us ups and downs doesn't it
    I will be sending you my love and light...and if you have time
    I just posted a song that might resinate with you right now in this space you are in
    I big button for me is if I am too busy and not's HUGE
    you are so right that taking care of oneself is the most important, it is not selfish at all as all those around us benefit when we are centered

    hey and congrates on you new possible crazy...YOU ARE GOIG TO BE WORKING AT A GYM!!! Just another inspiring moment in the life of C!!! You go girl!

    Have a wonderful weekend
    will be thinking about you

    love and light

  2. i get it. your stress, i completely mirror it. it's horrible. it's hard when your spouse is at a job they hate (first hand experience) on one hand it's the best option until he graduates, but I hate seeing him carry around all this anger.
    the over eating and TOM, that's been me all week. i've tried desperately to get a hold of it, and then like yesterday, it was like ya know what, eff it i really want some chinese food.

  3. Things have a way of working themselves out. Stuff happens. Here's hoping your guy understands the importance of getting work ASAP - else I'll have to come over there :-)

  4. HUG its sucks when life gets rough your a tough cookie C. keep goin and rough times will pass i promise!

  5. I've nominated you for an award on my blog. The fact you are real...and like the rest of us struggle but can put it so eloquently into words that make sense to me is one of the many reasons
    Look after you and be gentle on yourself,


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