I've taken some time out from blogging and it hasn't been until recently that I realized why I suddenly became disinterested in it.
You see, I am a born leader. I'm smart, organized and logistical, and people often seek out my advice. There are many things in my life that I've led from start to finish. I don't mean to brag, it's just the truth. I am a confident woman in most things. I am strong and able and well respected in my community. Many people tell me they find me to be intimidating. It's true. I'm polite, but blunt and not afraid of confrontation, and I've never been shy about telling people what I believe to be true and right.
I'm telling you that so that I can tell you this; I don't often expose to the world the things I'm not confident about. And I hate to admit when I am not exercising self control over something in my life. It feels like failure to me. It feels like the opposite of success. And when I feel that way, it's hard to handle the pressure of knowing that people are looking to you as an example.
Make no doubts about it. I've never lied to you. I am a food ADDICT. I am sure that I will live the rest of my life struggling to maintain a healthy relationship with food and my weight because of it. I'm noticing that when (and I say "when", not "if") I relapse into bad and unhealthy habits, my tendency is to hide it. To put on a front and talk about what I know to be the "right" answer instead. Occasionally I am able to admit that I'm struggling, but I'm not often inclined to discuss my discrepancies.
I'm going to change that. It's time for me to take a step back from being a leader. I hope you'll let me. What I need here right now, is a place that I can come and lay it all out on the table for you to see. I won't be writing posts in an attempt to inspire or motivate. I will be coming here to keep a diary of my struggle. I'm looking forward to a chance to gain some hindsight and humility.
That being said, here are the cards I'm holding right now; I've been bouncing between 173lbs and 185 lbs since June. I eat too much most days right now and have only just recently (in the past two weeks) guilted myself back into exercising. My pants are tight and I can see that my body is not as lean as it was before. I refuse to buy pants in a bigger size. I am desperately clawing to regain some control right now. It's very frustrating. I'm fighting with the urge to eat hourly. I'm not interested in cooking my own meals and most of what I'm eating is frozen dinners and tuna. Not a whole lot of fresh foods. And, I eat too much of it, too.
The good news? Even though I eat too much of it, the foods I'm choosing now (frozen meals included) are still MUCH healthier options than what I would have picked two years ago before I started this journey. I have not jumped off the deep end into fast food. So there is progress in my disease and I'm thankful for that and proud of myself for it. It still feels great to be within 30 lbs of my goal weight, knowing how far I've come. And, though I can definitely see the difference between my lowest weight of 173lbs and my current weight of 183lbs, I still like how I look in photos, again knowing how far I've come.
So there you have it. I am a recovering addict. Some days are harder than others. Lately, it's been mostly bad days, and I am battling hard. That doesn't make me any less of a person to admit my weakness. (I'm telling myself this). No one is perfect. We are all human and we all struggle with various things in our lives. I am struggling with being too forgiving of myself ("C., you've come a long way, enjoy it!"), and playing my own drill sergeant ("C., it's one thing to maintain your weight, it's another thing to gain, and you're gaining so get it TOGETHER!")
I could go on and on with the mind fuck I've been playing with myself, but this post has gotten long enough. I know you're all there to support me. But I think mostly I just need to commiserate a bit. Misery loves company, you know. Thanks for being there. <3