Thursday, 1 December 2011

Watching the clock

Decided to skip the Thanksgiving post since it's the 1st of December already!  Time is seriously FLYING by me right now.

My new goal is for my husband's company Christmas party on the 10th.  All I want is to be able to fit comfortably in my "skinny" jeans.  They fit now, but are snug.  I think if I can lose around 5 lbs between now and then, I'll be in good shape.  Well, figuratively, not literally. 

Literally, I can see that I've slacked on my workouts.  I don't have the variety of options that I did before (no weight training right now), though I've been exercising pretty regularly for the past few weeks.  I'm not going as hard as I was before.  I can see that I'm softer and jigglier in places that I wasn't before.  I'm thankful for that though, because before I lost weight I was jiggly and soft all the time.LOL  Now at least my body is not so disfigured with fat and I can actually notice even the smaller changes ten pounds up or down can make.  Right now I'm just trying to get through my 30 minutes on the elliptical with a positive attitude even though I'm really not feeling "into it."  Hulu Plus on my phone helps a lot. LOL  I'd like to get back into the gym, but I left the gym job and just don't feel comfortable there right now.  I'm considering changing my membership to the YMCA because they offer a lot more classes in a lot more variety.  But, that means that I'll be on my own for awhile, with no one I know there.  ...Maybe for the new year.

I've been cutting back dramatically on what I eat during the day, since during the evening I seem to want to eat until I can't anymore.  Yesterday I had a 3.5 oz greek yogurt for breakfast, green beans and a mean green smoothie for lunch, and then I got home and had sushi for dinner (vegetable maki-8 pieces) with grilled vegetable dumplings (6), some chips and fake nacho cheese, and a piece of cake. *sigh*  It seems to be working because I'm down on the scale, but I would rather be able to say I had more self control and was eating regular healthy meals.  On the other hand, I'm still learning what works for ME and that does not have to be what works for anyone else.

The reality that I will struggle with this eating and exercising thing my whole life is really depressing me.  It's exhausting to constantly be thinking about what  I'm going to eat or what I'm not going to eat and when am I going to exercise, and will it be enough.  I can't help but think of food as "good" or "bad" because I fight SO much with my portion sizes.  Why can't I stop thinking about eating just for a few days?  I just wish I could be one of those people that goes about their day like food doesn't exist and only eats when it's necessary and only enough to sustain them for awhile.  I don't want to be all "whoa is me", but it's just something I'm feeling beaten down by lately.  I know I've come a long way and that I'm still technically winning the war.  I'm just tired of fighting for it.  Can't the enemy just give up?

Don't mean to leave on a negative note, but some days honesty is all I have.  Going to go shower and watch the clock tick by until it's lunch and time to eat again...