Monday, 31 December 2012

Focus for 2013 & Restaurant Difficulty

Last year at this time I was searching in my life for ways to feel satisfied. I had gained back about 30 lbs of my 140lbs weight loss and was trying to figure out why and what to do about it.

This year I am at my lowest weight (172 for easy fact finding later on) and attempting to figure out where I will set my goal weight to be. I have a feeling that I'm pretty close to it, maybe about 10 lbs away? Guess we will find out when I get there...

Focus for 2013?

To exercise more often than not.

To maintain a portion appropriate diet.

To appreciate my husband for what he does and not complain about what he doesn't.

To positively effect the lives of any child that passes my way.

To travel to at least one place I've never been to before.

So that's that. "Resolution" is too strong a word for me, set up my all or nothing attitude which will leave me worse off by next December. Just stating a few things I would like to focus more on for the next 12 months. Much less pressure!

Also wanted to talk about something that I'm wondering if anyone else is dealing with? With my sister being in town, my family has eaten every meal out for the past 3 days and I gotta tell ya, chicken salads are wearing thin. Yesterday for lunch we went to a seafood restaurant on the beach that I had never been to and before arriving I was excited, thinking that I could order some point friendly fresh fish and rice (a seafood staple in my opinion) but when we got there everything was fried and my only other option was boiled shrimp, which I'm not a huge fan of. Totally ruined my mood!! I get so stressed out at restaurants! I get so mad at my limited choices eating out. What the hell do they put in that food to make a recipe I could easily make healthfully at home into a calorie laden fat fest in their restaurant kitchen?! Anyway, I ate the chicken salad again, and it was good and I left full, but still angry. I excused my husband and I from dinner with the rest of the family and came home annoyed, which triggered a binge. I ended up eating way more food at home! I would have been better off just eating the fried fish but I put so much pressure on myself when I know other people (my family) are watching me eat. Why do I do that?!

Anyone else dealing with the anxiety over eating out, mad about the limited healthy options, and dealing with the pressure of eating in public?

Hoping to get some good insight. But mostly wishing you all a VERY happy and successful year to come. What will your focus be in 2013?

Again, been getting messages almost every post now from new readers! So exciting! Want to welcome BEE and Poochie Ponder's to my ramblings. So happy to have you here! Welcome!!

Saturday, 29 December 2012


My sister is visiting from Texas. Most of you know how much she means to me, I've talked about her here many times.

I weighed in at 172.2 yesterday, though I won't be weighing in today after a day full of family food fun that may or may not have included an entire Gigi's cupcake to myself (SO good!) and some late night over indulging back at my house while I worked up an appetite moving things around with Hubby to create my very own, in-home gym! Santa brought me a step for step aerobics! Whoop!

I new have a step and two DVDs for it, a stability ball, 3,5,&8 lbs hand weights, and resistance bands. I am SO excited to create the space needed to use them! We are converting our office (which is really considered the dining room in our loft apartment). I will post pictures once its ready, but until then, here's my sister, me, and my mom yesterday. :)

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Too thin?

I'm weighing in at my lowest weight now, this morning, 173.4.  It's exciting watching the scale go down, but looking at pictures, at this point, I tend to like how I look around 180 more.  I am a shapely woman, having developed an hour glass figure as a pre-teen, and I can see that fading into a more sharp, boney shape.  Also, I feel my face is looking a bit gaunt.  Too thin?  Not something I had ever considered struggling with...

According to the doctors' charts, my height and age indicate that I should weigh between 140lbs and 160 lbs.  I don't trust my BMI because I have so much loose skin, so I don't believe that number is accurate.  When I tell people I still have weight to lose to be in the prescribed weight range, people laugh?  Most of them tell me "Oh, you should just do what feels best to you."  Well, how will I know what feels best if I never try to be between 140 and 160?  I'm not naive  I know that doctors are really only giving their best guess of what would be healthy for a wide range of people, but why shouldn't I fit into that range?  I do think that I probably have about 10 lbs of skin to be removed at some point.  Taking that into account, I could really weigh around 163,  which would make my BMI to be about 26, which is still considered overweight.  It's extremely frustrating.  Will I ever be considered healthy?

My work schedule is completely crazy right now due to some unforeseen obstacles and I have not been able to get to my step aerobics classes nearly as much as I'd like to be lately.  I miss it!!!  I've asked Santa if he might bring me a step and a few videos for Christmas this year. :)  I really and truly HATE the elliptical and 45 minutes on it barely creates a dent in my activity points.  I earn just 3 activity points on the elliptical for 45 minutes compared to 8! for 40 minutes of step aerobics.  And, I just don't feel quite confident in my weight lifting ability to continue doing it on my own with the personal trainer quite yet.  Also, on the days I do weight lifting with the trainer, I feel hungry ALL DAY afterwards and struggle not to overeat.  It's an excuse, I know, but it's the truth.

So that's where I'm at right now.  I really appreciate those of you who enjoy reading my occasion weight loss ramblings.  I've even gotten message from a few new readers.  HI!!!  I'm so glad you're here!!!

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Battle Scars and Progress Pics

I'm meeting with Angie (personal trainer) today for my first  workout so I asked Hubby to take some new "before pictures" so we can watch how the workouts will effect my body. :)

A lot of you have mentioned how "brave" I am for posting pictures that reveal so much, but honestly, I show less than a lot of bath suits do.  And, I'm proud of my body.  Of course there are "imperfections" (loose skin, winkles, bulges) but I just see all that as my battle scars.  Because the truth is, my body looks a hellovalot better than it has in the past and I think it's important to show the truth of my journey.  Besides, if you've ever tried to lose weight, I'm sure you've heard the saying "what you put inside, everyone sees on the outside."  I do this so that people who are also struggling can see that we are all in it together.  No, I will never ever look like a celebrity in a fashion magazine, I will never look like a svelte teenager in a string bikini, but I look like I woman who has turned her life around and has become something she always wanted to be...healthy!  And I'm proud of it.  You should be too.  So without further ado...

So there it is.  Here I am weighing in at 178.0 lbs.  I'm looking forward to seeing more muscle tone in my future pictures.  Someday, once I've reached what I feel like is my "ideal" weight and muscle tone, I would like to have the skin removal surgury that most people call a "body lift."  If only to be able to find pants that fit my legs AND my waist.  But until then, this is what I have to work with and I refuse to be embarassed by it.  Because when I started this journey, this is what I was contending with:

I was so very sad and hopeless then.  So if this body that I treated so badly didn't give up and has carried me through 3 years of transformation, then I will love it from now on for all that it is and all that it can be instead of being ashamed of what it started out as.  Just call me the ugly duckling. :)

Monday, 19 November 2012

Doing well...kind of.

I'm still on track and weighed in (at home) this morning at 179.6 lbs.  It feels pretty good to be back in the 170's.  My lowest weight since starting this journey was summer of 2011 at 173 lbs.  It would be a nice Christmas gift to myself to be back there.  I do remember though, that the reason 173 didn't stick last time was because I was feeling pretty deprived and ended up going on a binge for a few weeks...  That is certainly something I will try to avoid during this round.  We will see what happens, it is all a process.  And, I like 179.6 just fine, so it may be that I will just decide to maintain if I begin feeling deprived.

Several people have commented on my weight loss lately.  They are noticing that I am losing again.  And, the feed back hasn't been as positive as it normally is.  I have dropped about 12lbs in the past month, more than is generally recommended for healthy weight loss patterns.  A VERY large part of it is because I'm still grieving.  Food hasn't held nearly the appeal to me that is has in previous times of stress, and I'm going to bed with 2-4 points left over at the end of most days right now.  So instead of the usual, "C, you're looking great!  I can tell you've lost weight!" with smiles on their faces, I've gotten "C., you're looking very thin..." with concern on their faces...  I don't have any real intention to be losing this quickly, and I recognize that my current rate of weight loss isn't ideal.  That being said, everything I've read about grieving says that weight loss is a pretty common side effect for people going through what I am.  So, I'm just going to be kind to myself and see what happens for now...

I met with a personal trainer at the gym today.  Her name is Angie and I think I like her. :)  I have taken lots of group fitness classes that she has taught, so I'm looking forward to getting to know her better one-on-one.  Today we met to discuss my goals and history.  I have asked to focus on establishing a self-led weight training workout that I can learn to do on my own at the gym or at home.  I know I get enough cardio through step aerobics, and have free access to treadmills and elliptical machines, so I would really like to be able to work on toning on my off days.  Our first appointment is the 28th.  I will be sure to take some new "before" pictures so I can mark my progress. :)

We will be celebrating Thanksgiving Day with my Aunt and cousins this year.  We will drive to their home.  My aunt is cooking the turkey and I am responsible for the sides.  I will be preparing green bean casserole, cauliflower mashed potatoes, an autumn salad, and mini pumpkin pies.  All Weight Watchers recipes, of course.  I will share them with you in the next few days.  I hope you all have families to to spend Thanksgiving with.  God knows I'm so thankful for the outlet you all have given to me...

And you can too...

Don't ever give up.  Ever.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Life goes on...

And time goes on...

I'm just completing my second day in a row of being back on track food wise, looking forward to making tomorrow day 3.  I also am planning on going to weigh in at my local WW tomorrow, which seems to help too (or at least it has in the past.)  I feel better already, just being back in control.

I like how my body is looking lately.  Even though I've been eating poorly (and too much) for the past 3 weeks, I didn't stop going to step aerobics.  I really love that class.  It's only twice a week though.  ...I've asked if Santa might be able to bring me a step for my living room and an instructional DVD or two, but it still won't be the same as being in the class with the music and other people.  There's just a vibe that happens for me, I have to focus completely on the step and the foot work and the pattern, and before I know it, everything else melts away and I am KILLIN' it in class, keeping up with all the advanced moves.  Puts pep in my step. :o)

I realized today that this time last year I was weighing in at 193.  My weight this morning was 186.  That means I've lost 7 lbs over the course of this year that stuck.  I'm proud of that...with any  luck, I'll be able to say about the same thing next year, and maybe the year after that too.  Slow and steady (mostly) wins the race...

The temperature is cooling here and I'm loving soup (Atlanta Bread Co. French Onion, 2pts) and hot tea  (from my mom's kitchen, 0pts)...

My 5th wedding anniversary was last weekend.  We had planned a trip to Charleston, but we've already missed so much work this month, and I couldn't have left my mom by herself anyway.  So this year we celebrated quickly and quietly together with promises of a camping get-away before Christmas.  This was taken in October. :)

Thank you all for your loving support and kindness.

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

He just...died.

Ugh...I've been sitting here trying to go through a thousand ways to not have to say the words again- but I know that if I don't tell you my bad news, then the next year of my life I will be tap dancing around it when I write anything here on the blog.

I'm so tired of having to say it in real life, my heart is still breaking over it.  So please just let me say it this one time and get it out of the way until I can find peace in it and think about it without my heart falling out of my butt.  Please don't  judge me for what I am about to say, or how I say it, or for what I include or leave out.  Right now I'm probably just going to have to ramble for awhile until I feel like I've gotten out everything I need to say about it...

My dad died of a massive heart attack on the Sunday before last (the 21st.)  My father was 61 and, for the past 25 years has been obese.  In recent years he found himself on and off medication to control his high blood pressure, and followed through with a few minor surgeries to deal with age-related issues.  So to say his death was "unexpected" seems a bit silly, but just 3 weeks ago he had an EKG done and was told everything looked great.  So, yeah, none of us really expected he would drop dead of a heart attack at any moment.  But he did, sitting in his spot on the couch, playing on his computer like most other evenings...

I've never been naive to think that life is anything less than fragile and fleeting.  Dad made sure to remind me to never take days for granted.  I've always seen all our lives like bubbles on the wind- eventually we will thin and pop and poof...gone.  And that's exactly what happened to Dad.  One moment he was fine, floating on the breeze of life, and the next moment...*pop*...dead.

I'm dealing with a lot of psychological grief over it.  My Dad was my friend.  We hadn't always been friends, I was a TERRIBLE teenager and he wasn't always a great father to me.  My mom likes to say that we are just too much alike.  Anyway, in the past 5 years, Dad and I decided we could be friends after all.  And, I live just 15 minutes away from my parents and we see each other fairly often.  Dad and I would meet up during the week for lunch, we liked to go and have target practice at the local gun range, we would go see movies together, and pal-around on the weekends for shopping.  Once he stopped telling me what to do, I started listening to what he had to say.  I learned a lot from him.

My dad joined the Air Force fresh out of high school in 1970, he retired 20 years later.  He was a hero in more ways than I can recount during those years.  We have file folders stuffed full of awards and certificates from that time, many signed by the president in office.  He was just 45 when he retired from his Air Force career, and began a new career working in computers and technology.  My dad always had the hook up on new programs coming out, we've had more than one computer in my homes since personal computers were available for home use.  We always had the best electronics available and I have not ever in my life had to call someone to help me fix anything on my computers.  Dad made sure we had iPhones and iPads and iPods, and taught us how to use them well.

One of Dad's favorite iPhone apps was "Find Friends" which allowed him to follow my location throughout the day.  Nothing creepy, but he would know when I was in the car driving home from work and know that was a good time to call.  Or, like was the case when he died, he would follow my progress back home during a 4 hour drive from a weekend out of town with my husband.  This was the last text message I got from him, he was watching my on Find Friends and knew I was speeding a bit and warned me against "donating to the Policmans' ball." ;)  We used emoticons to say we loved each other, him being the sun, and me the dancing girl...

My parents were taking care of the dog, Butter Bean, while Hubby and I were out of town and I was just under an hour away from my parents house to tell them about our trip and pick up Bean when my mom called and told me Dad had been sent to the hospital in the back of an ambulance with no heart beat...  When I got to the hospital, 40 minutes later, he had already passed on.

And then everything kind of... exploded...

I'm not dealing well with the stress right now.  And my eating is almost always the first thing effected by stress.  So for about a week I didn't eat much at all, and then the past few days I've done nothing but eat.  I'm depressed.  I know that's normal and I'm trying to talk with my family about it just to keep an open dialog.  I know it won't last forever and I'm trying to be kind to myself.  But that's where I'm at right now...  Not sure when it will change... 

I'm trying every day to be able to find the energy to get back on track, so I know I will as soon as I'm capable...

Sunday, 14 October 2012

Then and Now

Oy...  This is me 3 years ago at more than 300lbs.  I am totally disconnected to that person.  It makes me shake my head and wonder what the HELL I was thinking.  Good riddance to that person.

This is where I am now.  After having lost 140lbs.  

Wonder where I'll be 3 years from now?

Saturday, 13 October 2012

WTF is "Moderation?"

" moderation..."
"Enjoy a treat...once in awhile."
"Have these foods...occasionally."

WTF does that mean?  Okay, so if "a couple" is 2 and "a few" is 3, what is moderation?  How often can I enjoy in my favorite treats without worrying about gaining weight?

Is it twice a week?  Once a week?  Once a month?  I need to know these things.  How often can I have a cupcake? or frozen yogurt?

I'm constantly offered treats and opportunities to indulge in treats and have a steel willpower when I'm on track.  But that gets old and eventually leads to me eating those foods and feeling guilty for it because I'm concerned I won't lose weight because of it, and that stress often leads to other bad food decisions.

For example, two nights ago I broke down and got frozen yogurt.  I put less frozen yogurt in my cup than I usually would, and less toppings on too, but still- it certainly wasn't all fat free yogurt with fruit topping.  Then last night, I had extra points pretty late and decided to have a few pieces of Hubs Halloween candy stash.  I ended up eating one more piece than I meant to.

I feel guilty over these things and I know how dumb that sounds.

I understand that in the grand scheme of things in the journey I've been on, I'm doing DAMN good.  But, I do have guilt over "breaking down" and eating these foods.  I know that at the very absolutely least of it all, I am aware of what's going on and I'm concerned about it and that enough means that I am a new person.  But being able to recognize these patterns naturally sparks my curiousity into why it is so and do I have the control to change it if I want to.

And so where I'm at right now is that I NEED you.  I NEED understanding of what "in moderation" means?  I am almost seeking permission from like-minded people.  How often is it 'OK?' to have these foods without fear of gaining weight?

Friday, 12 October 2012

Feeling Judged?

Why do I feel so judged?

This is a question I asked myself this morning as I was furiously cleaning my house in preparation for the kids and their mother to come today.  Cupcake has been begging lately to see where I live.  She asks me questions about my house.  She just wants to know what I do when I'm here.  Where I sit.  Where I eat.  What my bed looks like.  Because they don't come here.  Ever.  They have never even seen this apartment and I've lived here over a year.  They saw my last apartment twice, I believe...

You see, I live a double life.  At home, I am a wife with no children and working hard to live within my means.  At work, I'm a single "mom" of two children with an unlimited amount of money at my disposal.  (The childrens' parents work in the medical field and make more money in a year than my husband and I make in 5 years.)

It's tough living on both sides of the train tracks.  I'm worried that Cupcake (6 year old) will judge, or doubt me.  She's never wanted for ANYTHING in her life and really has absolutely no concept of knowing that her reality is the stuff of most people's dreams.  In fact, the other day she tried to tell me that her house, at more than 2,500 sq ft, was too small and boring...  Lucky girl is sweet as can be an has not one eyelash worth of malice in her.  She just doesn't know any different yet.

I live in a 750 sq ft loft apartment.  It's beautiful, cottage like.  Reminds me of the chalet we spent our honeymoon in.  It has a fireplace I really enjoy.  It's the perfect size for two hard working married people.  It takes me about 3 hours to clean the entire thing, top-to-bottom.  It's a very nice apartment in a very nice neighborhood.  I even have a little screened in porch.  (Hubs has it full of tools and bikes and all the vitally important things men feel the need to keep.  To women it's junk, but if it's important to him, then he lives here too, so...whatever.)  When there is no pressure, I love this place, junk and all...

But the truth is, I feel judged when I allow people to come into my home.  They are looking at my things and how I keep them and seeing all the flaws that I've become so accustomed to, I don't even notice them anymore.  All the sudden I have too much clutter, hubby's "junk" is everywhere, there cobs webs in the fireplace, and I suddenly feel the need to scrub the base boards and spot clean the carpet.  I want it to be PERFECT like in a magazine, or even just a little closer to looking like that 2,500sq ft house across the train tracks from me.  But it won't.  It never will.

SO why do I feel so judged?  Those children love me.  I mean truly and deeply love me with no idea that they even have a choice in the matter.  Their mother is my friend and has been for a long time.  None of them have ever said anything rude or negative to me.  But still I worry what people think of me.

I feel judged a lot.  In what I eat, in what I wear, in how I exercise, in the words I use and the way I present myself, and even when people visit my home.  I believe I am a fairly confident women.

Are those two things opposites?  Can I feel confident in who I am and still feel judged for being who I am?

...Sorry to ramble.  Just things I've been thinking about today.

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

What's Your Mantra?

I'm down 10.4 lbs for the month of September and I credit my success to a new mantra I stole from my friend, Kianne.  "Not this time."  Which for me has become an easy "motherly-love" answer to myself.  Example:

Hubby:  "Wanna go out for frozen yogurt?"
Me:  "Not this time."

Me on the elliptical: UGHhh...I hate the elliptical!  I'm SO bored.  I'm at 26 minutes.  That's close enough.  I can quit.
Me:  "Not this time"

Thinking "not this time," means that I could maybe next time, and promising myself a possibility of an alternate choice at a later date makes it easier to stay on my course right now.  I'm not saying, "No, I can't because I'm on a diet.", I'm just saying, "No thank you.  Not this time."  And that sounds a lot more like a healthy lifestyle choice to me!  The mantra has really been a Mom's (and Nanny's!) argument-ending statement to the war I have with myself  regarding decisions about my health and nutrition.

My step aerobics instructor asked me my name and chatted me up today after class.  We have a large class, so most of us only know each other by sight.  The fact that my instructor asked my name means she has noticed me there and has decided it's worthwhile to learn my name.  It's a good feeling and makes me want to be there even more. :)

Sunday, 7 October 2012

Autumn Apple Pie Pancakes

Bet you wish you were eating these!!

Remember Apple Ring Pancakes?  Well they are making a come back in honor of autumn.  While on Pinterest yesterday oogling thanksgiving apple pie recipes, the craving hit me like a ton of bricks and my light bulb clicked on and said "HEY!!  Member those apple ring pancakes you loved last year?  What happened to them?!"  And ever since then I couldn't wait for breakfast to come back around, all though I was very tempted to call them dessert last night! LOL

Today I ate them traditional style with sugar free syrup and a few spritzes of Parkay spray "butter."  I'm thinking later this week I will premake another apples-worth (about 5-6 apple slices) and spread them with peanut butter (I use PB2) for a quick apple-PB sandwich on my way out the door.

I hope the cooler weather has found you!  We are excited here that it's staying under 80 degrees in the days!

Friday, 5 October 2012


It's happened to me a number of times now.  Someone sits down (or calls/texts/emails/facebooks me) and confidentially tells me that they have wanted to lose weight for a long time and could I tell them how I stayed motivated,  or how I didn't feel deprived, or how I learned to love my veggies and fruits and then the moment I tell them how, they tell me that they can't do that...excuse excuse excuse.

Is it horrible that I feel like it's a waste of time?  

Well here it is for you:

I have followed the Weight Watchers plan for the entirety of my weight loss.  Within that plan I also toyed with vegetarianism.  Weight Watchers (WW) is NOT what you think it is.  If you've never gone to a meeting, then you don't know.  Yes, there are plenty of people who research and follow the WW plan "for free" meaning they do not participate online or in meetings.  But me?  I needed (need still) both.  The online website is GREAT for recipe research, tracking your food, and creating your own recipes.  The meetings give me an opportunity to reconnect with like-minded people, have any of my questions answered, brag to people who are genuinely supportive and excited about my journey when I've done well, and talk to people who appreciate the struggle.  You do NOT HAVE TO TALK at a WW meeting if you don't want to, but trust me, swallow your fat pride and speak up, those people are there to help you, not to judge you, and yes they DO understand!  WW claims (and I'm living proof of the statistic) that people who attend meetings lose 3X (THREE TIMES for christ's sake!!) the weight and keep it off longer.

Weight Watchers is not a diet plan.  You do not have to eat "their food" or follow some strange food plan.  Mostly, WW teaches you how to make better decisions about real food you find in restaurants and grocery stores and gives you a way to keep track your food intake in a simple way, by assigning numbers to foods based on their fat, carbs, protein, and fiber content.  Therefore, you learn how to cook healthfully at home and choose carefully when you're out.  WW does have a frozen meal line (Smart Ones) and some breakfast and snack options that are prepackaged, but they are just for support- they are not a complete diet.  I tell you all that to tell you this; 

YES!  I cook about 95% of my meals at home!  
YES!  I have to meal plan, shop, prepare, and track all that food!
YES!  I pack my food from home out with me every day to work, appointments, and errands.
YES!  I exercise at least 4-5 days a week!
YES!  These things take time!
YES!  It is hard work!
YES!  It requires a lot of planning and dedication!
NO!  I don't care what other people think about it and I'm not embarrassed about any of it!

It here that I get all these excuses about why they can't do those things.  And then look to me expecting to give them some other way, some "get out free" card, or sympathy for they're inability to commit.  

It all comes down to priorities.  I work a 40-60 hour week and still find the time to do all this because I have decided it is more important to me than down time or other activities.  

You CAN have all the success and more than I have had if you decide you want it and set out for it.  Get the ball rolling and in a few months you will realize that you're FLYING down the scale.  DO THE WORK- REAP THE REWARDS!!

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Dealing With Disappointment

So I weighed in at me meeting tonight at 1.5 UP and pretty much threw a hissy fit on Facebook over it. I'm not a crier (crying is just about against my religion), but I did shed a tear tonight.

I did everything right! I pre-planned-pre-cooked, pre-pared and sweated my ass off in the gym earning myself 30! activity points! I did not even touch my extra weeklies!

I know there are a million reasons that could explain my gain, but the disappointment I felt was like a ton of bricks tonight. I managed to wear a brave face in my meeting, but On the way home, I lost it. I just felt heavy, fat, and full of disappointment in myself. My negative voice's volume went through the roof with the snide comments about being a failure, about not ever being good enough.

I made it home and even though I was starving (having eaten lightly all day in anticipation of a fantastic weight in), I I just can't seem to make myself go eat my dinner. Like I don't deserve to eat because I gained instead of lost. Absurd, I know! But, like I said, my negative voice is very seriously LOUD tonight.

I have a dichotomy within me. Reality tells me weight loss is science, just keep going. But emotionally...well...yeah...

Luckily I have an amazing support group to talk me off the ledge (figuratively, of course). I'm ready for today to be over. I will wake up tomorrow refreshed and carry on my war.

Monday, 24 September 2012

Today, We cook!!

I cooked...and cooked...for about 6 hours. This always happens, the moment autumn shows up all I want to do is hole up in my cozy kitchen and stock up for the winter.

Today I made:
6 Chicken Cordon Bleu
3 Breaded Chicken Tenderloins
6 servings mashed cauliflower
Riced 5 cups of cauliflower for pizza crusts
6 servings of apple stuffing
8 servings of Red bean, Sausage, and Rice Soup
4 twice baked potato halves
A ration of turkey bacon
6 servings steel cut oatmeal

Shew!!! All that standing in the kitchen and my weights class this morning have my legs aching!

Craving cornbread so I'm thinking a pan of that will be making an appearance this week as well...

Do any of you feel the need to prepare for hibernation? It doesn't even really get all that cold where I live now but I still have the urge to stick my freezer!

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Menu Planning at Midnight

Menu Planning at Midnight on a Saturday night. Yep, party at C's house!! This how I menu plan, with index cards that have the ingredient list and directions for each recipe. If a recipe makes more than one serving, the I write out the name of the recipe on a card for each serving. Not only does this method help me plan a healthy weeks worth of food, but I can also make my grocery list easily, use up coupons, and keep an inventory of my freezer and all the leftovers, so I don't get too bored eating the same thing for 4 or 5 servings/meals.

I'm working on a display board so that I can keep all my cards up, but as it is now, I just flip through them by day. I cook one day (usually grocery day) a week, anything else that's made mid week either has to be crock pot or pressure cooker. Helps me keep my sanity so that I don't feel likeIm spending my whole life in the kitchen.

How do you meal plan?

Thursday, 20 September 2012

In a Good Place...

My beautiful, wonderful, genius, triathlete SIL, Nancy, (HI!!) messaged me that she'd been sharing my success with her friend (HI FRIEND!) through the blog, and I realized that my last post was leaving a bit to be desired...

It's been awhile.  This blog has really fallen to the weigh-side (haha, punny!) for me.  It's not that I'm not here and in the struggle, in the moment, and constantly working toward improving my health mentally and physically.  It's just that I'm so busy doing all those things and tracking my intake and my activity, and planning my menus, and talking to people about it, walking the walk and talking the talk, that I really don't feel a strong to desire to come home and write about it, too.

So I'm just updating as life presents itself with little bits of my life that I want to share or remember.  Sometimes pictures, sometimes recipes, sometimes crying or yelling, sometimes success and sometimes failure.  This is my life and my struggle and in so many ways I'm thankful it's not more.  I'm grateful that my struggle is in eating too much rather than not having enough to eat...

I'm exercising at least 5 times a week.  I'm pretty much in love with step aerobics right now, but also taking 2 weights classes each week.  Because of this, my muscles are strong and I can see the tone.  I am fit and don't generally feel too out of breath even at the height of my cardio classes.  I am able to complete two classes in one day occasionally without much soreness or recovery necessary.  My body feels lean and I can fit in all the clothes in my closet (with the exception of my "Goal Garment", a winter coat that is a size too small still).  I feel strong and fit, and have lots of energy.  I'm sleeping well and feeling happy and positive.  I am down a jean size and bought my first pair of skinny jeans last week. :)

 I'm tracking everything I eat and staying within my points ranges.  I'm eating healthy whole foods, cooking at home, and keeping it interesting with new recipes and kitchen gadgets.  Right now I'm learning how to use my pressure cooker and am pretty excited with the results!  Today I made Green Bean Casserole (not in pressure cooker) in honor of autumn finally arriving with cooler mornings and evenings and less humidity.  And, also because Cupcake has been asking for it since LAST Thanksgiving. LOL  It's one of her favorites, so I found a lightened up recipe and I know she will be so excited!

A friend I met through WW about two years ago has created her own support group called Be Healthy, Feel Beautiful and we've been chatting it up all over Facebook.  It's really awesome to have a group of people who are so supportive.  Additionally, my very favorite WW meeting leader has returned this September, so I'm back to going to meetings, too!  It really does seem to make all the difference to have accountability!  At my weigh-in last night I was down SEVEN pounds so far this month which puts me at 194.2, that is 6 lbs below my "ceiling"!  WOOoooo!

I'm in a good place.  I am succeeding and so happy to be out of the doldrums I was in for the last few months.  I read your blogs and comment occasionally.  It's nice to know that you guys are still stopping by here every once in awhile, too.  :)

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Aw Crap...and a recipe! ;o)

Ugh!  I'm off track and have been for a few weeks.  I'm exercising, but I'm totally negating it with cookies, cinnamon rolls, and cake.  I weighted in at 205 this morning which is 5 pounds passed my "ok" range.  I HAVE to get serious again!

I am excited that my original Weight Watchers meeting leader (the one that was around while I lost so much weight) will be making a comeback for Wednesday night meetings in September.  I REALLY want to have a '1' back in the front of my weight before I go to an official weigh-in and see her.

I wanted to share the easy healthy breakfast I've been using lately that I love.  Only 3 ingredients makes it so fast!

A hard boiled egg
a laughing cow cheese wedge (I like creamy swiss most for this one)
a tortilla wrap (I use Ole xtreme high fiber)

Mash up the boiled egg with the laughing cow cheese and voila!  You have a creamy delicious egg salad that tastes much like the creamy part of a deviled egg.  Spread it on your wrap and you're out the door...

to a step aerobics class...

no really...

Have a great day!

Friday, 20 July 2012

Happy Birthday, Mom

My mom has been my biggest supporter of my weight loss.  She lost about 60 pounds when I was 5 or 6 years old and has never gained it back.  She runs 5 miles every single morning and says she "just doesn't feel good" if she misses it.  She works LOOONG hours as the CEO for a non-profit.  She loves her job, helping people in desperate need and hardly EVER takes time for herself.  She is the most unselfish person I've ever known.  Today she's celebrating her birthday so I made her a "cake", healthy style.

"M" for Mom! <3

This is all fruit (and a lot of toothpicks.)  The base is water melon and the decorations include cantaloupe, cherries, kiwi, grapes, and blueberries.  I hope she loves it! And I hope you're having a GREAT week!

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Easy to Pack to Keep You On Track

I've been loving B.L.T.'s this week! Such a great, fresh, summer concoction, and still can be made to feel like a hearty meal! I make mine with Sara Lee Delightful 100% Whole Wheat bread (2pts+), a Garlic & Herb Laughing Cow cheese wedge (1pts+), Butter Ball thin sliced turkey bacon (3 slices=2pts+), mixed greens, and a tomato (a firm one). My chickpeas are pretty much a lunch staple for me (3pts+) but I season them differently. I'm also loving carrots in hummus (2pts+). Awesome 8 pts+ lunch that's easy to pack to help keep you on track.

I bake the bacon like this to make sure I get a piece in every bite!

I cut 3 slices in half and then weave them together.  Takes a bite more time than just throwing them on the pan or in a skillet, but I think the effect is worth it, and they keep well in a ziplock bag for about 5 days.

My friend brought me some garden grown eggplant and I couldn't wait to try my hand at an eggplant parmesan.  So Cupcake helped me and we found a great WW recipe (7pts+) that everyone loved. :)

Hope you're having a great week!!

Friday, 13 July 2012

Finished Project

I finished this amigurumi unicorn project I had been working on for Cupcake today.  I love how it turned out and I know she will fall in love with it the moment she sees it.  Now I just have to decide when to give it to her.  I think it will be hard for me to wait too long!!

I did sit on my butt most of today completing it, but it was totally worth it.  Can't wait to see the look on her face. :)

Initials always make things it more special. <3

Friday, 6 July 2012

Lunch Box Master

B. L. D., also known in my brain as Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner.  In my busy life, I often am not home for any of my meal times and this can go on for days.  Luckily, one of the habits I've managed to keep up even when I'm not on plan, is that I pack my own food.  I've become a master of my lunch box!  I use the term "lunch box" very loosely, because often enough, this box also contains my breakfast, snacks, and dinner as well.  

Every once in awhile when I've got the free time and the motivation, I can get a weeks worth of meal prep done in one weekend afternoon.  But the truth is that lately, I have been doing a little bit of prep for the next day, but still having to do prep for each meal.  It's not always convenient, I will be the first to tell you!  I'm often standing in the kitchen packing my food for the next day at 10pm trying to make excuses on how I can just buy lunch out or eat whatever I'm serving the kids.  Occasionally, I'm tired enough to let that happen, but much more often than not, I'm able to remind myself about all the good things I'm accomplishing with this one small feat.

By packing my own food:
I stay in control of my portions.
I know what I'm eating, how it was prepared, and where it originated from.
I'm never left scrambling for healthy options.
I can make sure I'm eating from all the food groups.
I save money, and who is ever sad about that?
I set a good example for the kids.

And that's just the doing of it, I won't even go into how the simple act of EATING a lunch I packed for myself effects my my brain, my motivation, and my body positively as well.  At least not in this post.  

SO in knowing all that, I thought it was probably high time for a new "This is what my lunch box is looking like lately" post.

I won't lie, I do tend to eat just about the same lunch and breakfast day-to-day for a week or more.  I might switch up some of the sides or snacks, but the staples will be the same.  It doesn't bother me to eat the same thing because I usually make it with different ingredients.  

For breakfast I'm eating a Thomas Whole Wheat Mini Bagel with Cinnamon Laughing Cow Cream Cheese smashed with fresh blueberries and a boiled egg. (6 P+).  I usually do have a bagel and an egg, but sometimes I'll put the egg on the bagel with cheese and a banana on the side, or put peanut butter on the bagel and only eat the egg white.  Keeps it simple to have the same basic idea, but keeps it interesting to find new combinations.

For lunch I've been making a lot of pin wheels lately.  This one is a Swiss Laughing Cow cheese wedge mixed with a tablespoon of plain greek yogurt, a couple tablespoons of diced cucumber, and a sprinkling of scallions.  I spread the chunky mixture around on a high fiber tortilla and layer 4 slices of roast beef on.  Then I start and the bottom and roll it to the top.  Wrap it in a paper towel, so it's not soggy for lunch tomorrow, and then seal it up in some cellophane wrap.  When I'm ready to eat it, I unwrap it and slice it into half inch rounds.  You can eat them easily with your fingers, but I like to use chopsticks, like when you eat maki sushi.  Helps make eating a memorable activity to me instead of a mindless, get it in quick kinda deal.  I've also thrown in a small caesar salad mix, a half cup of garbanzo beans, and an orange.  So I've covered vegetables, fruit, protein, dairy, and healthy carbs all in one 10 p+ meal!  And that is exciting to me!

After that stroke of genius, I'm exhausted so I throw in some more easily portable protein in the form of a cheese stick and another boiled egg.  I'm excited that tomorrow, I WILL be home for dinner, so I didn't need to pack it tonight.  (We're going to have turkey burgers.  I will make two extra and probably pack them for lunches/dinners in the next few days.  See how this works?)  So all that's left is to stack the food in nicely and pop "la lunch carta" (spanglish: "lunch box") into the fridge!  Because I pack my breakfast inside of my L. box too, I never forget it at home.  And now I have the peace of mind that I will be on track tomorrow with very little thought, effort, or stress involved!

*****This post was written last night- so here is how it looked when I unpacked it to eat.  YUM!!

AND- I found this at my seat at the table this morning from Cupcake, which made my lunch taste even better!

"Dear Nanny
Each day is always fun.  I cry when you say it's done.  I will always hold you in my heart."

Thursday, 5 July 2012

Cupcake & Monster

That TOPS Lady made mention that I haven't given you guys an update on "my" kids in awhile.

For those of you who don't know, in the real world I spend about 50 hours a week as a Nanny.  I am self-employed.  I offer my services to three different families, though I have one main family and the other two I see a few times a month, more as a babysitting service.  I spend most of my time with a 6 year old girl, I'll call her "Cupcake", and her 2 year old brother, "Monster."  I have raised Cupcake since she was about 18 months old, and then in 2010 Monster joined the party.

Cupcake is excited to be starting 1st Grade in the fall.  She attends a prestigious private school 9 months out of the year but is on summer break right now.  Every summer, I ask her what she wants Nanny (me) to teach her during summer, then we spend the summer going on field trips and doing activities related to her subject.  This summer she said she wanted me to teach her how to count money.  So we've been playing "race to a dollar" like fiends.  She's learning about coins and cash and debit and credit.  We have plans to visit the bank with her piggy bank.

Cupcake reads at a 3rd grade level and we often have to censor her reading choices, lest we be asked questions about murder and motives (she got to the newspaper.)  She has always been an extremely shy and timid girl (I think it's because she's so smart, she is always considering the risks and ramifications of her actions and her imagination is HUGE!), but she is blossoming every day and today I am celebrating the fact that she actually put her entire head under water during swim lessons on Tuesday.  She's been facing that fear for several years.  I'm bursting with pride for her.  When I asked her if she was proud of herself, she said "Nanny aren't YOU proud of me?"  And I thought I might cry because my heart was bursting, but I had to suck it up and make sure she was proud of herself first!  Then, of course, I smothered her in kisses and told her how amazing she is and gloated about it all day long.  I made sure to get it on video and showed it to Mommy and Mommy gushed all over her too.  She is sweet and smart and so very sincere it makes my heart ache with joy.  She will be a beautiful person, even if I had never met her.  I'm so blessed to be a part of her world.

Her favorite foods: Feta Cheese and Hummus.  Not together though, dear god don't let her food touch!

Her favorite color: Princess Pink.  We read Pinkalicious a lot.

Her favorite game: Cafe' Owner, mostly because she loves hot chocolate and bakery goods.

She's been playing piano for 2 years and has now also taken up horse riding lessons.

Monster has just freshly entered the world of two.  He is a fiery boy in every way.  He knows what he wants and he will not hesitate to let you know if he disapproves of the situation.  Hence the name choice.  He is also a snuggle bug who's first sentence was "Ah Ee oo" (I love you).  He has well passed the 100th percentile in height and weight.  At his two year check up earlier this month, he weighed 35 pounds and was 36 inches tall.  Yes, that's right, THREE FEET TALL.  If you watch closely, I swear to you that you can SEE him growing!  Therefore, he barely stops eating, and if he does it's only to sleep.

He knows his colors and shapes well.  He loves Elmo and Cookie Monster and ducks and his blankie.  We have limited his pacifier use to his bed and I will find him sitting on his bed holding it in the middle of the day.  He's struggling with it, but being so brave.  He likes to sing songs like "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" and "The Wheels on the Bus" and "If You're Happy and You Know it."  He is working hard on using a fork and spoon.  To the chagrin of his sister, he loves to be in the water.  I decided to call him Monster, but Reckless was my second option.  Being 3 feet tall and 35 pounds doesn't much suit the coordination of a 2 year old and he is an accident waiting to happen.  But he has NO fear and wants to do all of at 100 MPH.  He was humbled by the ocean though, wouldn't go into the ocean without being held.

His favorite food: Garbanzo beans, shredded cheese, whatever you're eating in front of him.

His favorite color: Hasn't picked one- but he loves to use markers on paper and say the names of the colors he's using.

His favorite game: Jumping off of things, spinning until you fall, running.

The boy is my heart and soul.  He brings such light to my life, every time I leave I just can't wait to get back to him.

These children and their mother are my second family.  Their mother and I over the years have grown to be best friends and spend time together even when I'm not "on the clock."  I love every minute of my job.  I often worry that I'm using up all my "great job" karma up this early on.  I'm sure the next few jobs I have will be horrible compared to this one. :o)

I love to talk about them, so if you like hearing about them, I am more than happy to oblige!

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Body Dysmorphia

According to wikipedia: Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD, also body dysmorphiadysmorphic syndrome; originally dysmorphophobia) is a type of mental illness, a somatoform disorder, wherein the affected person is concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about and preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical features.[1][2] The person complains of a defect in either one feature or several features of their body; or vaguely complains about their general appearance, which causes psychological distress that causes clinically significant distress or impairs occupational or social functioning. Often BDD co-occurs with emotional depression and anxiety, social withdrawal or social isolation.[3] 

I DO NOT think I have a problem as serious as full blown BDD.  I do feel that I suffer from it in a lesser degree simply because I have such a very hard time with my brain thinking I am much more overweight and out of shape than I really am.  I can see in pictures the reality of my internal misperception, but while looking in mirrors and when I look down at my own body, or while shopping for new clothes, my brain tells me that my butt is still huge, my "spare tire" is as round as ever, and that there is no way I will be fit into that shirt...

But then I do.  Because in reality, I am almost half the size that I was previously.  

When I'm trying on new clothes, i have to take pictures of the clothes in the dressing room because what I see with my eyes in the mirror is a fat girl, who's rolls show here and there and I'm lumpy.  But in the picture, it's a whole 'nother story!

First tank top I've worn for as long as I can remember.
GIRL LOOK AT THAT BODY!!  I WORK OUT!!!  I'm slowly coming around to realize that I'm not this girl any more...

Now I'm THIS girl!

And I really and truly couldn't be more happy about  it! But I'm so ready for my brain to catch up with reality so that what I see, and what really is, are both the same thing!

****I have no idea what's going on with the text formatting.  Sorry...

Monday, 2 July 2012

Running out of words.

I'm here.  I'm doing well.  I am on track.  I read lots of your posts and you always seem to have so much to say.  Such interesting lives.  Whereas me, I'm just not sure what to tell you guys about any more.

I can't (and probably won't ever) say  I've got a handle on my weight.  I've told you all before I think it will probably be a constant battle of me gaining a few and losing a few pounds for the rest of my life.  That's what happens you when you've got a food addiction.  I hope as time goes by I will be able to make those few pounds fewer and fewer and at some point figure out this whole "weight maintenance" people keep talking about...  But right now that pretty much seems like the holy grail.  All I can do is keep my eye on the prize...

What do you guys want to hear about?  I know some of you who are still in the beginning stages of your journey are here.  What is it you want to know?  Are there things you want to ask me?  I'm an open book.  What would you like me to share with you?

I was thinking that I would like to start a weekly post on what I've got in my lunch box.  A lot of you seem to struggle with packing food and being prepared for the day...

I'd also like to continue to do posts about food presentation (especially for children) because I know for me, the healthy food has to look more appealing  than the not-so-healthy options for me to feel like I'm getting the better end of the deal.

Red pepper hummus and carrot pinwheels with orange segments surrounding mixed greens with string cheese sliced into rounds and Italian dressing for dipping.

I'm ready for Independence Day!  This is the first year I've felt comfortable wearing a tank top.  I have a lot of loose skin on my arms and I've had people (like my manicurist) notice and ask me about it.  I am self conscious about it, however, I'm choosing to wear it like a badge and utilize it as a witnessing tool for healthy living!  Besides, the tank tops really show off my curves- and I do like that.  I bought this tank on Saturday.  I was one of the crazy's standing in line at 7:30am to get in on Old Navy's $1 flip flop sale.  The shirt is a large, the jeans are a 16 (though, I think a 14 would probably fit at this point.)

Current weight low-190-something and feeling good!
I guess that's all for now.  I do truly hope a few of you will come out of the woodwork if you've got any questions for me.  If you'd like to be anonymous, shoot me and email with your question and let me know you want to remain unnamed, I totally respect that.  Can you believe that I started this journey 3 years ago?  It's changed my life so much I feel like a whole different person!  Some days, I can barely remember what life was like before.  Then I see this...

And I am humbled by it and then proud of myself all at the same time.  If I can do it, you can too. And if I can help you, I will do everything in my power to do so.  Just tell me what you need.

OH!  PS:  This is this years swim suit shot.  Sorry the pic isn't fabulous.  It was taken in the midst of trying several on.  I know I've told you before that I take pictures in the dressing room because my eyes see differently than the camera... Last year on the left, this year on the right: my weight is pretty much the same. :)

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Photo Update and the Sister Backstory

She's HERE!!  She's HERE!!!  My sister has arrived!  And of course with that comes the deluge of photos.  So these are my update photos for you as well.  I know they are all sitting...I'll work on getting one that's not.  Aside from that, I feel beautiful.  I look healthy.  I see a whole new C. in these pictures than what my brain often tells me.  I sure am ready for my brain to accept how far I've come in this journey!!  Till then I'll just keep trying to shock it with TONS of pictures.

My sister is Christine, she is in the purple on the right.  Isn't she just stunning?  She takes my breath away sometimes.  She is just beautiful in every way.  She was 13 when our dad married my mom (in the middle), and two years after that I was born.  (My mom and our dad have now been married almost 30 years.)  As kids, Christine was often given the responsibility of babysitting me, and it was her job to pick me up from daycare when she would get out of her high school classes for the day.  As far as I can recall, she has always been kind and generous to me, though she says there were times that she lost her patience with me, like any normal teen would when charged with the care of a toddler.  She has not only been a wonderful sister to me, but she has been like a mother to me in so many ways.

I love that in this picture we all appear to be about the same size.  Being the fattest girl in a picture always sucks.  It's easy for me to point out how alike we look in so many ways.  When I was very heavy (and my features distorted by fat), I remember not being able to see the resemblance.

That's our dad.  He has turned out to be a really TRULY wonderful dad. He just gets better and better with age.  He's my friend.  I don't think a lot of people can say that about their dads.  I realize how very lucky I am even to have a father in the picture.  It's truly a blessing that I ended up with a very GOOD one to boot.

He struggles with his weight constantly.  I worry more and more that I might not get very many more pictures with him.  I try my very best to be a good role model for him.  Though, I know I also enable him because many of our interaction revolves around food.  It's quite the conundrum for me.

I just love this photo.  It makes me  smile.  I can see the love we have.  We LOOK like sisters.  Also, I like how my legs and shape look.  I always seem to think my calves are still HUGE.  Here they look proportionate and about the same size as Christine's, comparatively.

Despite all the eating out we've done since she's gotten here, I'm still making good choices and finding it easy to make them.  I eat only half a portion and save up points by eating fruit to stave off hunger.  I think it's working well, though I'm not watching the scale religiously.  I did fit into those black shorts I'm wearing in the pictures today, and they had previously been too snug to wear comfortably.

I couldn't get to an aerobics class  on Friday, but I did get on the elliptical for 30 minutes.  I went to a weight training class today (Saturday) but didn't get in any cardio, and I felt pretty antsy from missing it.  I got agitated when we had to sit down for too long (I HATE waiting) and kept feeling these bursts on energy where I wanted to bolt up a set of steps or jog to the next store, I took the dogs for a quick run around the block in the afternoon and felt better for a little while.  It was strange to think that my body was missing having my heart racing!!?

Thursday, 24 May 2012

#5 People I'd Be Stuck In A Box With

My sister gets here tomorrow and I'm SO SO SO excited.  My sister is definitely in my top 5 people I would choose to an eternity with in a locked box if ever needed.  We're very much alike in all the right ways.

I've been using her visit as a way to avoid "bad" (not in compliance with my goals) options.  And I've used it to make SURE I get into a group fitness class everyday.  It's been difficult, I won't lie.

Sometimes hourly I'm telling myself, "C., don't eat that, you'll have an opportunity to indulge some this weekend with family.  Just wait until then.  Yes, you can wait until then.  It will be worth it.  If you eat it, how will you feel?  You'll wish you hadn't.  So just don't eat it.  DON'T EAT IT!!  Just walk away...  SPIT THAT OUT!!!  RIGHT NOW!!  No, don't even look back.  LEAVE THE EFFING KITCHEN YOU RETARD!!"


"I'm SO tired.  I don't know if I have the energy to get through a whole aerobics class.  Can I skip it?  ...My (fill in the blank) is sore from last nights' class, maybe I should just stay home and rest.  EFF that, C., you can rest when you're dead.  Your sister is coming this weekend.  You know she will talk to you about it.  She will be so proud of you.  I'll do it because I love her.  Take yo ass ta class, girl..."

So it's been tough, but I'm hanging on and the scale is agreeing.  I'm feeling great.  I'm feeling better about how I look.  I'm proud that I'm keeping up with the other people in my aerobics class.  I feel like my body is happy with the changes I've made.  I'm praying that the momentum I've built up these past few weeks waiting for her arrival will carry me through after she leaves as well.

I'm looking for new motivation as we speak.

This was the last time I saw my sister, in St. Louis, June 2011.  Going around the table from the bottom left, sister that is visiting, then my mom, my grandmother, my grandfather, my brother, his two sons, my other sister, and my Dad. :o)  You know, thinking back to my earlier statement about people I wouldn't mind being stuck in a box with, all the women shown here are in the top 5.  Hubby is #1, of course.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Ready to Continue

I'm here and I'm ready to begin again.  I'm back on track and feeling great.  Pictures will be up soon.  I'm currently weighing in at 193 lbs.  My goal is 165lbs by the end of the year.

Yes, I know that I could absolutely power my way to 165 in a matter of weeks, but now I'm interested in going slow and teaching myself about what my life will be like from now on.  I'm sure we've all heard that the faster you lose weight, the more likely you are to gain it back and I'm taking that to heart.

I've found satisfaction for the past few months in saying that as long as my weight still has a '1' in the front, I will be happy.  Obviously some of you will balk at that, but if you see my big picture in that I have had a '3' in the front of my weight for most of my adult life, keeping a '1' in the front for more than a year has been quite an accomplishment.

But, during the past year, because I haven't been totally committed to a diet or exercise program, I have gained about 20lbs back from my lowest of 173.  That's quite a lot for a person to gain in a year and if I continued on that path, I would be back to 300+ lbs in about 5 years.  That is completely unacceptable to me.

So now my journey is not so much about the weight loss as it is figuring out how to maintain it.  I am at this time interested in losing, but at a MUCH slower pace.  I need to figure out a rhythm of eating, indulging, exercising, and relaxing that will even out my weight.  If I'm not losing, I'm gaining...and thus would be my constant struggle.  Maintaining sounds like a better plan to me.

That being said, my biggest supporter and sister will coming to visit in a couple weeks and I have found a tremendous amount of motivation in that.  I've jumped back in with both feet and have stayed on track with my diet, choosing healthy options over not healthy, tracking my intake, staying within my point range and exercising about 6 days a week.  My resolve is strong ( I turned down Cinnabon for Christ's sake!!), I'm recognizing cravings for what they are, and I'm exercising my willpower by saying no to at least one option daily.  I feel dedicated.

33 weeks left in the year means that I need to lose around 1.1lbs per week to achieve my goal. I recognize that diet is a tremendous part of a weight lose journey, but I would like to reach a point where it is my habit and resolve to make healthy choices so that I won't need to count points (track everything I eat) every meal for the rest of my life.  Which means that the role of exercise will become the forefront during this leg of my journey.

Stay tuned...

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

How can I change this?

Today was free pancake day at IHOP.  I pre-planned to only get the short stack- 10 points.  But, somehow when I got there...I heard myself ordering an omelette and the short stack.  Damn.  My lunch today was 30 points.  ...I only get 33 a day...  I do have my weeklies, but I hadn't planned to use them.

Why didn't I just stick to plan?  I'm not being self pitying- don't leave me comments telling me to forgive myself and move on.  I am trying to move on.  And I think that to do that I need a better understanding about why it is so hard for me to stick to the plan.  It is self sabotage in that my eyes are so much bigger than my stomach (should be) and that food can be such an overwhelming experience as to make me order food with my mouth without any conscience recollection of my brain actually deciding to.

How can I change this?  How can I make food less impulse and more mindful?