Tuesday, 28 February 2012

How can I change this?

Today was free pancake day at IHOP.  I pre-planned to only get the short stack- 10 points.  But, somehow when I got there...I heard myself ordering an omelette and the short stack.  Damn.  My lunch today was 30 points.  ...I only get 33 a day...  I do have my weeklies, but I hadn't planned to use them.

Why didn't I just stick to plan?  I'm not being self pitying- don't leave me comments telling me to forgive myself and move on.  I am trying to move on.  And I think that to do that I need a better understanding about why it is so hard for me to stick to the plan.  It is self sabotage in that my eyes are so much bigger than my stomach (should be) and that food can be such an overwhelming experience as to make me order food with my mouth without any conscience recollection of my brain actually deciding to.

How can I change this?  How can I make food less impulse and more mindful?

Monday, 27 February 2012

First week back to WW

Back to Weight Watchers and feeling GREAT!  Down 3 lbs on my first weigh in on Saturday.  I've decided to stop writing this blog with the expectation that other people will read it.  While I do so enjoy your company around here, it's stressful for me to feel pressured to write to you all- all conversational and in order when really in my head I pretty much think in bullet points.LOL  So I'm just writing for me.

I have had a hard time getting back into the habit of breakfast.  Most likely that's because for about a month there (while I was binging) I would eat so much the night before that I was still waking up full and wouldn't eat again until lunch.  Anyway, this morning it's raining and that made me decide on a boiled egg and a warm cup of mocha (made with just water) for 3 pts.  It was simple, quick, and not too filling.  I'll know that I'm back to "normal" eating when I can wake up without my fingers being swollen sausages for the first half hour in the morning.

I'm not completely certain about what I'll eat lunch yet, but I'm thinking it will probably be a vegetable stir fry, and  I may add some beans for more protein.  I have been craving tuna lately though.  I'm trying to steer myself back into a mostly vegetarian diet (because that's when I felt my best), but I don't want to deprive myself too strictly yet or that all-or-nothing attitude will knock me over.  I just keep telling myself, "C., don't get cocky...you're still walking a fine line."

Yesterday Hubby and I went roller skating.  Me for the first time in a long time, him EVER!  He used to roller blade as a kid, but never on skates.  He had a GREAT time and is really sore. LOL  I had fun too.  We are looking forward to doing it again.  WW says that 10 minutes of roller skating earns 2 activity points.  I think that's a bit high...  Next week I'm going to wear my polar watch and see what I'm actually burning.

Exercise has been a struggle for me too.  I'm bored with it.  It just doesn't sound fun.  Rollerskating was though!  But I won't e able to do that but once a week or so, so I've GOT to find something else.  There are lots of classes offered through my YMCA membership- but the ones I'm interested in right now are conflicting with my work schedule.  ...I just have to keep trying and stay on top of it.

Even though I'm back to just under 200 lbs (my lowest being 173), I'm feeling great about my progress.  I'm still down 120 lbs from where I started.  I still like how I look.  I still feel like I can do anything I want.  I still feel attractive and sexy.  They call it a journey for a reason, and now I've learned about myself and am ready to carry on.  My goal is 180lbs.  Because of all that- I got my nose pierced.  I've wanted to do it for awhile but always felt like only the pretty girls did that.  Well, I'm a pretty girl now. :)

OH!  Also got a cute new skirt!!  I take pictures in the dressing room of new clothes because for some reason what I see in the mirror is NOT what shows up in a picture.  Wonder if anyone else has that problem?  Body dysmorphia?  ...Spring HAS to be just around the corner...

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Where I'm at...

I've been using the elliptical to exercise ever since I quit working at the "gym job."  That's been about 4 months now and I can assure you all that the mere mention of exercising on the elliptical for 40 minutes makes me want to cry.  My weight has crept back up about 20 pounds in the past 7 months, but I am SO effing bored with it and the fact of the matter is, I wasn't doing it nearly often enough.  I would go through spurts- going 6 days a week for two weeks, then nothing for two weeks.  The all or nothing attitude I struggle with has been convincing me not to follow my diet as closely because I wasn't exercising either.  I do NOT want to end up where I started ever again.  The one thing that I have learned is that as long as I never stop trying to maintain a healthy weight, I will be better off than never trying at all.  So even when I'm failing, I'm always looking for an opportunity to get back on the bandwagon.

I have some things coming up in the next 6-8 weeks that I've found to be very important to me and having a fit body will make these occasions even more enjoyable for me.  The first is in the middle of March and I will be accompanying the family I nanny for to Boston for a family wedding.  This wedding will be an EXTREMELY affluent event.  There will be many of the city's best doctors and lawyers present and 6-year-old is the bride's niece and will therefore also be "flower girl."  Needless to say, I will be dressed to the nines and would like to fit into photos.  And, to say the very least, there will be people there that I wouldn't mind leaving a good impression on.  I've gotten myself the fanciest dress I've owned since my wedding dress and would like to fit in it a bit better before the wedding.

Here it is now, straight out of the box it arrived in:

It is a size 14 and a bit snugger than I would like for it to be.  I will need to have it altered (hemmed) and I will need a new bra for it.  But I think that some general improvement in my body tone will also greatly enhance how I look in this dress.

The second event is the "Colorrun."  I've convinced my mom to go with me to the upcoming Atlanta race that happens March 31st this year.  I had a facebook friend post about it and it just looked like so much fun that I promised myself that if I ever got the opportunity to go, I would.  Mom is a good sport about anything related to me being more healthy (because she's the best mom ever) and she seemed instantly excited about the idea to have a mother- daughter weekend and exercise to boot.  Mom has been running 4-5 miles every single day for years and years.  She doesn't run fast, she just sets her pace and follows her own little outdoor neighborhood map she's created.  So, I would like to be able to keep up with her for this race.  That would mean that I will need to be able to run for 30-40 minutes.  So far, the best I have done is running a 13 minute mile without stopping.  I know that part of the problem is that running has HUGE mental blocks for me.  I lose faith in myself very quickly and can't seem to push myself to continue.  I know that I go hard on the elliptical for 40 minutes pretty easily, so I know that I have the "fitness" to achieve running for 30-40 minutes, it's got to be in my brain that I'm failing myself with.  At any rate, I would like to improve this in the next 8 weeks.

These up-coming events have had me researching new ways to get me excited about exercise again, and I've landed with a membership at the YMCA.  I met with my "personal trainer" today and had a great, fun workout!  I hope I can afford to keep doing these meetings.  I will find out Saturday what the pricing schedule will be.  I'm also excited to go to several of the group fitness classes that the Y offers like Zumba, and Kickboxing.  More posts on this to come. :)