Saturday, 26 May 2012

Photo Update and the Sister Backstory

She's HERE!!  She's HERE!!!  My sister has arrived!  And of course with that comes the deluge of photos.  So these are my update photos for you as well.  I know they are all sitting...I'll work on getting one that's not.  Aside from that, I feel beautiful.  I look healthy.  I see a whole new C. in these pictures than what my brain often tells me.  I sure am ready for my brain to accept how far I've come in this journey!!  Till then I'll just keep trying to shock it with TONS of pictures.

My sister is Christine, she is in the purple on the right.  Isn't she just stunning?  She takes my breath away sometimes.  She is just beautiful in every way.  She was 13 when our dad married my mom (in the middle), and two years after that I was born.  (My mom and our dad have now been married almost 30 years.)  As kids, Christine was often given the responsibility of babysitting me, and it was her job to pick me up from daycare when she would get out of her high school classes for the day.  As far as I can recall, she has always been kind and generous to me, though she says there were times that she lost her patience with me, like any normal teen would when charged with the care of a toddler.  She has not only been a wonderful sister to me, but she has been like a mother to me in so many ways.

I love that in this picture we all appear to be about the same size.  Being the fattest girl in a picture always sucks.  It's easy for me to point out how alike we look in so many ways.  When I was very heavy (and my features distorted by fat), I remember not being able to see the resemblance.

That's our dad.  He has turned out to be a really TRULY wonderful dad. He just gets better and better with age.  He's my friend.  I don't think a lot of people can say that about their dads.  I realize how very lucky I am even to have a father in the picture.  It's truly a blessing that I ended up with a very GOOD one to boot.

He struggles with his weight constantly.  I worry more and more that I might not get very many more pictures with him.  I try my very best to be a good role model for him.  Though, I know I also enable him because many of our interaction revolves around food.  It's quite the conundrum for me.

I just love this photo.  It makes me  smile.  I can see the love we have.  We LOOK like sisters.  Also, I like how my legs and shape look.  I always seem to think my calves are still HUGE.  Here they look proportionate and about the same size as Christine's, comparatively.

Despite all the eating out we've done since she's gotten here, I'm still making good choices and finding it easy to make them.  I eat only half a portion and save up points by eating fruit to stave off hunger.  I think it's working well, though I'm not watching the scale religiously.  I did fit into those black shorts I'm wearing in the pictures today, and they had previously been too snug to wear comfortably.

I couldn't get to an aerobics class  on Friday, but I did get on the elliptical for 30 minutes.  I went to a weight training class today (Saturday) but didn't get in any cardio, and I felt pretty antsy from missing it.  I got agitated when we had to sit down for too long (I HATE waiting) and kept feeling these bursts on energy where I wanted to bolt up a set of steps or jog to the next store, I took the dogs for a quick run around the block in the afternoon and felt better for a little while.  It was strange to think that my body was missing having my heart racing!!?

Thursday, 24 May 2012

#5 People I'd Be Stuck In A Box With

My sister gets here tomorrow and I'm SO SO SO excited.  My sister is definitely in my top 5 people I would choose to an eternity with in a locked box if ever needed.  We're very much alike in all the right ways.

I've been using her visit as a way to avoid "bad" (not in compliance with my goals) options.  And I've used it to make SURE I get into a group fitness class everyday.  It's been difficult, I won't lie.

Sometimes hourly I'm telling myself, "C., don't eat that, you'll have an opportunity to indulge some this weekend with family.  Just wait until then.  Yes, you can wait until then.  It will be worth it.  If you eat it, how will you feel?  You'll wish you hadn't.  So just don't eat it.  DON'T EAT IT!!  Just walk away...  SPIT THAT OUT!!!  RIGHT NOW!!  No, don't even look back.  LEAVE THE EFFING KITCHEN YOU RETARD!!"


"I'm SO tired.  I don't know if I have the energy to get through a whole aerobics class.  Can I skip it?  ...My (fill in the blank) is sore from last nights' class, maybe I should just stay home and rest.  EFF that, C., you can rest when you're dead.  Your sister is coming this weekend.  You know she will talk to you about it.  She will be so proud of you.  I'll do it because I love her.  Take yo ass ta class, girl..."

So it's been tough, but I'm hanging on and the scale is agreeing.  I'm feeling great.  I'm feeling better about how I look.  I'm proud that I'm keeping up with the other people in my aerobics class.  I feel like my body is happy with the changes I've made.  I'm praying that the momentum I've built up these past few weeks waiting for her arrival will carry me through after she leaves as well.

I'm looking for new motivation as we speak.

This was the last time I saw my sister, in St. Louis, June 2011.  Going around the table from the bottom left, sister that is visiting, then my mom, my grandmother, my grandfather, my brother, his two sons, my other sister, and my Dad. :o)  You know, thinking back to my earlier statement about people I wouldn't mind being stuck in a box with, all the women shown here are in the top 5.  Hubby is #1, of course.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Ready to Continue

I'm here and I'm ready to begin again.  I'm back on track and feeling great.  Pictures will be up soon.  I'm currently weighing in at 193 lbs.  My goal is 165lbs by the end of the year.

Yes, I know that I could absolutely power my way to 165 in a matter of weeks, but now I'm interested in going slow and teaching myself about what my life will be like from now on.  I'm sure we've all heard that the faster you lose weight, the more likely you are to gain it back and I'm taking that to heart.

I've found satisfaction for the past few months in saying that as long as my weight still has a '1' in the front, I will be happy.  Obviously some of you will balk at that, but if you see my big picture in that I have had a '3' in the front of my weight for most of my adult life, keeping a '1' in the front for more than a year has been quite an accomplishment.

But, during the past year, because I haven't been totally committed to a diet or exercise program, I have gained about 20lbs back from my lowest of 173.  That's quite a lot for a person to gain in a year and if I continued on that path, I would be back to 300+ lbs in about 5 years.  That is completely unacceptable to me.

So now my journey is not so much about the weight loss as it is figuring out how to maintain it.  I am at this time interested in losing, but at a MUCH slower pace.  I need to figure out a rhythm of eating, indulging, exercising, and relaxing that will even out my weight.  If I'm not losing, I'm gaining...and thus would be my constant struggle.  Maintaining sounds like a better plan to me.

That being said, my biggest supporter and sister will coming to visit in a couple weeks and I have found a tremendous amount of motivation in that.  I've jumped back in with both feet and have stayed on track with my diet, choosing healthy options over not healthy, tracking my intake, staying within my point range and exercising about 6 days a week.  My resolve is strong ( I turned down Cinnabon for Christ's sake!!), I'm recognizing cravings for what they are, and I'm exercising my willpower by saying no to at least one option daily.  I feel dedicated.

33 weeks left in the year means that I need to lose around 1.1lbs per week to achieve my goal. I recognize that diet is a tremendous part of a weight lose journey, but I would like to reach a point where it is my habit and resolve to make healthy choices so that I won't need to count points (track everything I eat) every meal for the rest of my life.  Which means that the role of exercise will become the forefront during this leg of my journey.

Stay tuned...