Why do I feel so judged?
This is a question I asked myself this morning as I was furiously cleaning my house in preparation for the kids and their mother to come today. Cupcake has been begging lately to see where I live. She asks me questions about my house. She just wants to know what I do when I'm here. Where I sit. Where I eat. What my bed looks like. Because they don't come here. Ever. They have never even seen this apartment and I've lived here over a year. They saw my last apartment twice, I believe...
You see, I live a double life. At home, I am a wife with no children and working hard to live within my means. At work, I'm a single "mom" of two children with an unlimited amount of money at my disposal. (The childrens' parents work in the medical field and make more money in a year than my husband and I make in 5 years.)
It's tough living on both sides of the train tracks. I'm worried that Cupcake (6 year old) will judge, or doubt me. She's never wanted for ANYTHING in her life and really has absolutely no concept of knowing that her reality is the stuff of most people's dreams. In fact, the other day she tried to tell me that her house, at more than 2,500 sq ft, was too small and boring... Lucky girl is sweet as can be an has not one eyelash worth of malice in her. She just doesn't know any different yet.
I live in a 750 sq ft loft apartment. It's beautiful, cottage like. Reminds me of the chalet we spent our honeymoon in. It has a fireplace I really enjoy. It's the perfect size for two hard working married people. It takes me about 3 hours to clean the entire thing, top-to-bottom. It's a very nice apartment in a very nice neighborhood. I even have a little screened in porch. (Hubs has it full of tools and bikes and all the vitally important things men feel the need to keep. To women it's junk, but if it's important to him, then he lives here too, so...whatever.) When there is no pressure, I love this place, junk and all...
But the truth is, I feel judged when I allow people to come into my home. They are looking at my things and how I keep them and seeing all the flaws that I've become so accustomed to, I don't even notice them anymore. All the sudden I have too much clutter, hubby's "junk" is everywhere, there cobs webs in the fireplace, and I suddenly feel the need to scrub the base boards and spot clean the carpet. I want it to be PERFECT like in a magazine, or even just a little closer to looking like that 2,500sq ft house across the train tracks from me. But it won't. It never will.
SO why do I feel so judged? Those children love me. I mean truly and deeply love me with no idea that they even have a choice in the matter. Their mother is my friend and has been for a long time. None of them have ever said anything rude or negative to me. But still I worry what people think of me.
I feel judged a lot. In what I eat, in what I wear, in how I exercise, in the words I use and the way I present myself, and even when people visit my home. I believe I am a fairly confident women.
Are those two things opposites? Can I feel confident in who I am and still feel judged for being who I am?
...Sorry to ramble. Just things I've been thinking about today.