Wednesday, 31 October 2012

He just...died.

Ugh...I've been sitting here trying to go through a thousand ways to not have to say the words again- but I know that if I don't tell you my bad news, then the next year of my life I will be tap dancing around it when I write anything here on the blog.

I'm so tired of having to say it in real life, my heart is still breaking over it.  So please just let me say it this one time and get it out of the way until I can find peace in it and think about it without my heart falling out of my butt.  Please don't  judge me for what I am about to say, or how I say it, or for what I include or leave out.  Right now I'm probably just going to have to ramble for awhile until I feel like I've gotten out everything I need to say about it...

My dad died of a massive heart attack on the Sunday before last (the 21st.)  My father was 61 and, for the past 25 years has been obese.  In recent years he found himself on and off medication to control his high blood pressure, and followed through with a few minor surgeries to deal with age-related issues.  So to say his death was "unexpected" seems a bit silly, but just 3 weeks ago he had an EKG done and was told everything looked great.  So, yeah, none of us really expected he would drop dead of a heart attack at any moment.  But he did, sitting in his spot on the couch, playing on his computer like most other evenings...

I've never been naive to think that life is anything less than fragile and fleeting.  Dad made sure to remind me to never take days for granted.  I've always seen all our lives like bubbles on the wind- eventually we will thin and pop and poof...gone.  And that's exactly what happened to Dad.  One moment he was fine, floating on the breeze of life, and the next moment...*pop*...dead.

I'm dealing with a lot of psychological grief over it.  My Dad was my friend.  We hadn't always been friends, I was a TERRIBLE teenager and he wasn't always a great father to me.  My mom likes to say that we are just too much alike.  Anyway, in the past 5 years, Dad and I decided we could be friends after all.  And, I live just 15 minutes away from my parents and we see each other fairly often.  Dad and I would meet up during the week for lunch, we liked to go and have target practice at the local gun range, we would go see movies together, and pal-around on the weekends for shopping.  Once he stopped telling me what to do, I started listening to what he had to say.  I learned a lot from him.

My dad joined the Air Force fresh out of high school in 1970, he retired 20 years later.  He was a hero in more ways than I can recount during those years.  We have file folders stuffed full of awards and certificates from that time, many signed by the president in office.  He was just 45 when he retired from his Air Force career, and began a new career working in computers and technology.  My dad always had the hook up on new programs coming out, we've had more than one computer in my homes since personal computers were available for home use.  We always had the best electronics available and I have not ever in my life had to call someone to help me fix anything on my computers.  Dad made sure we had iPhones and iPads and iPods, and taught us how to use them well.

One of Dad's favorite iPhone apps was "Find Friends" which allowed him to follow my location throughout the day.  Nothing creepy, but he would know when I was in the car driving home from work and know that was a good time to call.  Or, like was the case when he died, he would follow my progress back home during a 4 hour drive from a weekend out of town with my husband.  This was the last text message I got from him, he was watching my on Find Friends and knew I was speeding a bit and warned me against "donating to the Policmans' ball." ;)  We used emoticons to say we loved each other, him being the sun, and me the dancing girl...

My parents were taking care of the dog, Butter Bean, while Hubby and I were out of town and I was just under an hour away from my parents house to tell them about our trip and pick up Bean when my mom called and told me Dad had been sent to the hospital in the back of an ambulance with no heart beat...  When I got to the hospital, 40 minutes later, he had already passed on.

And then everything kind of... exploded...

I'm not dealing well with the stress right now.  And my eating is almost always the first thing effected by stress.  So for about a week I didn't eat much at all, and then the past few days I've done nothing but eat.  I'm depressed.  I know that's normal and I'm trying to talk with my family about it just to keep an open dialog.  I know it won't last forever and I'm trying to be kind to myself.  But that's where I'm at right now...  Not sure when it will change... 

I'm trying every day to be able to find the energy to get back on track, so I know I will as soon as I'm capable...

10 comments:

  1. i recently lost my dad suddenly too. there are no words. i am sorry for you loss.

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  2. I am so so sorry for your loss. You pain is evident in your words. I lost my dad a few years ago and I loved him more than life. I will say my prayers for you and your family. God bless you love. Gracie

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  3. My Dad died in his sleep 7 years ago. In so many ways I am not over it. He truly was my friend. Maybe best friend. I know it is hard. I know depressed. Do what your Dad would want you to do. Take care of yourself the way he would take care of you. That is love and honoring to him.

    Hugs

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  4. The very first time I've ever seen or read your blog and I just have to say I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your Dad. My Dad just had quintuple bypass surgery a few weeks ago...so many unknowns dealing with heart stuff. So sorry. Please take care of yourself. Hugs hugs hugs.

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  5. So sorry about your dad. My dad died 11 years ago at the age of 58 from a heart attack. He had gone to the doctor on Monday because he thought he had bronchitis. The doctor gave him antibiotics and sent him home. We found out from the coroner that his heart was twice the size of a regular heart and he died from congestive heart failure. So hard to go through. Keep you chin up and try to make good food choices, it will help you feel better. Take care

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  6. I am so sorry about your dad. That is tough. He must have been so proud of you and how far you hav come.

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  7. C -
    You did have something special with Dad. Something I didn't, doesn't mean the love was any less powerful, just different. I know he admired the way you fought the same battle he had for many years and that he was so very proud of you in your successful weight loss journey. He was proud of your commitment and drive to 'keep on'. You know he would really want you to continue. He is still watching and cheering you on. Of course, he's not the only one. We all are so very happy for you and all you have achieved. You'll forever be my most favorite, bestest little sister.
    Love you TB,
    PBV <3

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  8. Hey, I just found your blog. First let me say that you are a great inspiration to me. You have come a long way, and you look fantastic! And second, let me say I am sorry for your loss, I know that losing your dad will leave a hole in your that just can't be filled no matter how hard you try. You are very fortunate to have so many great memories with him.

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  9. I'm so sorry for the tragedy. ((((hugs))) Please know that how ever you are feeling, it is fine to feel that way. God be with you. `Amy aka that tops lady

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  10. That is very sad, and your Dad was too young. My own Dad died when he was 55 years old--after smoking for many decades. I felt like I didn't have enough time with him, but I did have time with him during his last few months. I feel bad for you that you didn't have that time.

    :-) Marion

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